Today I woke up feeling sad. My dreams were sad. I am someone who is rarely sad. I have trained myself unconsciously I am sure, to run from sadness and pain since I was young. But I know that that was a mistake because sadness is a part of life that needs to be felt and I lost the ability to really cry since I learned that boys don’t cry when I was 7 . old, and I want to cry, to really cry. I am sad for so many friends and non friends who are living such painful lives, for all the unnecessary suffering and necessary suffering that we all must endure at times and some must endure constantly, for wasting the possibilities our lives offer us, for all the falseness that we discover, the false friends, all the heartbreaks, all the betrayals, etc., for all the love that we don’t get. that we all need so bad. I want to cry for this. I know it will make me more human, but I can’t. Something is blocked.
In most ways I am so lucky. I have so much good fortune, I feel almost that I have no right to be sad. It would be like being ungrateful, spoiled. If you live in Vilcabamba, you have no right to feel sad, it seems. But we live in a predator/ prey world like wild animals and you can’t hardly trust anyone 100%. I don’t even trust myself 100%. When I do something that isn’t from love, I hurt myself and I become both predator and prey inside when love is absent. Uroboros, the snake eating its own tail is a good symbol of this. My sadness is for the beauty and tragedy in the heroic struggle of each individual struggling to ascend, to master existence, or at least be able to afford a roof over one’s head, some timely food, and just to get by. Really, when you think about it, its amazing how so many people manage to get by.
Once a long time ago, I woke up a “new man” and for 3 weeks whenever I would look anyone in the eyes this immense compassion erupted from me without any effort on my part. After about 3 weeks of this, a kind of surrealistic event occurred and I returned to “normal”. it was not a drug thing. Why I say this, is that I am remembering what a wonderful feeling it is to feel compassion, its such a human feeling. I want to cry with you, would you let yourself be that close with me? I might not want it either. I wouldn’t really know until it happened. And I can’t even cry anyway.