To Know Me is To Love Me (I hope)



I wrote this a year ago in the writer’s group. it is a fiction, a character a la dostoyevski’s underground man:

I’ve been somewhere else waiting for myself. But now I am here and it is my natural place no matter where I am, I am always here and that makes me feel somewhat substantial. Even though I have an address here, I live in the nowhere I came from. Honestly, I have always felt lost in this world. I like to appear as though I know what I am doing, but usually I am not doing much. Oh, I dont wish to sound ungrateful. I love life for all its potentiality, even if I have failed to reach my potential rather completely. Yes, in the past I have almost been paralyzed with anxiety, but it is a great relief to say, that that has totally disappeared, and now you might say that I am more or les (less with one s is less than less) fearless. Its just an attitude adjustment really.

I have been relatively free for some years now. My rule is, I only do what I want, though honestly I am thwarted at times by such forces as is the government. I live in the shadows, I am invisible. I know how to blend. Its an art, kind of like being a chamileon, the art of blending in. now maybe if I was strikingly beautiful people would see me. Can you really trust your mirror.
My beauty is hidden, beneath the surface, only people with extrasensory perception can see me for what I am.
I used to run in circles, in herds, in chains, I used to spin. I can spin and not get dizzy. Its not a trick, its just an attitude. Actually, I dont know why I don’t get dizzy, I discovered I could spin indefinetly about 10 years ago. It is a talent of mine that is little valued. Its like my ability to move my ears, one of the lowest rungs of the talent spectrum, so to speak.

Anyway, I was hoping for a story to emerge, instead of this incessant monologue. Honestly, I hate to say it, but I am my best company. Thats not probably true. Maybe its you that is my best company. Of course I have no idea who might be reading this. It is kind of private you know. I hope you take it in the right vein, (this could be code for people who inject drugs). I refuse to take this into any lurid realms, if that is what you are hoping for. I don’t wish to speak about everything, maybe only something. That is all.

Can you imagine trying to do as little as possible as a way to face life. Normally, I should be ashamed to have such an attitude. But now, actually I have changed, I love to do lots of things. Yes, really, I am quite fortunate, just to have even survived. You have no idea of what I have been through, believe me, I have been to hell and back. My stories would bring you to tears. You would see me in a brighter light. People are actually much greater sometimes then we give them credit. One must look past what is perceived as human failings.

Excuse me, but I cant help myself, I need to preach. I just cant stop myself, I always need to be advising, it really is a problem, I can see that. I am being very candid with u, very vulnerable. I used to be very shy. People come in so many dimensions, its fascinating. The heart connections, is what keeps me going. I love to follow the moon, to chase after it with an elongated butterfly net. I have high aspirations. Facing the impossible is an every day thing for me. I don’t consider myself as a problem solver, nor do i consider myself as a problem, if anything i like to think that i am more the answer, the answer is love and that is me.

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