do you share these thoughts?

how can we accept our inevitable death honestly, fully? when i first encountered the idea of death, it was a sad moment for me. i didn’t like the idea and what consoled me was that i was so young and it seemed so far away. and then i forgot about it mostly. i didn’t choose to dwell on it. and now that i have grown older and see people disappearing from the scene, one by one, i know that that strategy is no longer valid and i sense that it would be better to honestly face the reality with the idea that if i can or if i do, it will somehow make my life more real and more profound. i have always wanted to confront my fears one by one and i consciously did this as a young man, but i noticed that new fears would arise and that the fear of death, i never really got to.

part of the fear of death, is that i don’t want my life to end. i want to harvest all i can and enjoy it to the fullest and i don’t want it to stop. my early years were hampered by my shyness and lack of self confidence. slowly i fought to overcome this and it wasn’t until i was 35 that i felt the shackles had been removed, and that i began to flow more freely. it had been a gradual process. i am a genuine late bloomer.

still, to live without any fears or constraints was a constant process and still is, but at least i had the courage and honesty to try and to continue to move in that direction. it is hard to really be free, when we are constantly besieged with false information mixed with perhaps real information, along with so much and so constant, uncertainty.

beliefs blinded me to what is real. i learned to drop beliefs and to proceed with an open mind, accepting that anything might be possible, and realizing that it was almost impossible to really “know”. and to accept that life is always “uncertain” and so much will always be cloaked in mystery. now, the older i get, the more i realize that everything is much more incredible than i could ever imagine. “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” – Hamlet (1.5.167-8), Hamlet to Horatio

i have had strong evidence in the existence of entities. i have met a woman in a remote area of Kashmir himalayas who could answer any question, i had a period of 3 weeks of “illumination” when i was 27, i met someone who seemed like he was the devil. These were all things that i never could have imagined could be. and still my heavy conditioning keeps me skeptical towards the possibility of “reptillians” and many conspiracy theories, though i remain open to all possibilities.

can time machines exist or be invented, free energy, anti gravity, reincarnation, life after death, other dimensions, aliens, fairies, elves, etc. intelligence in plants, intelligence of animals, insects, bacteria, are there spirits, angels, etc.???????????????

the opposite side of the coin, is how many things that i accept as real, which may not be, like, my ego/ personality, the authority of government, the necessity of capitalism, democracy, the medical establishment, information about what is real nutrition and what is really healthy for the body, the idea of good and bad and evil, the concept of love, so many invisible beliefs and so much constant conditioning.

if i am happy, does that mean i am on the right track? if i am healthy, does that mean i am living correctly? and the opposite, if i am sad or sick, does it mean that i am doing something wrong? we all are in the same boat whilst we have what we call “life”. which brings us back to the question of facing the inevitability of death, which seems undeniable and certain, even if it is only the death of the body, or of our limited and conditioned consciousness. i would like to imagine that death could be great, and that when we die we awake to a sensation of being immersed in infinite, unconditional love. but i can not be certain of this, it is really only a hope.

before we were born, it seems that everything was just a blank and it could be the same after this life. there was and will be no one to miss anything. but then, it is possible that this relatively short time that we are experiencing now is all there is? even though it is unimaginably incredible, beyond our ability to fully appreciate, completely, seemingly impossible and inexplicble, it is still possible to ask, is this all there is? as unimaginably great as it is, it doesn’t seem enough. there must be more, if there is any justice in the universe. but maybe there isn’t.

in this lifetime where so many possibilities exist and so few, relatively speaking, can be realized, which creates a field of fullfillment and frustration, which we need to adjust ourselves to, we need to live with the reality of death to motivate us to make the most of it. or it could have the opposite effect and make one simply say, why bother? i am not here simply for the thrill, i want something more. but for most of us, the thrill is the something more and we do every
thing to achieve “the thrill” as much as we can. which can cause some to “over-indulge” and lose our balance. it is a multi-dimensional tightrope that we are walking from second to second. and i still don’t feel i have confronted the reality of death full-on.

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