What is it about you that is loveable? What makes you worthy of love? Are you particularly good at something? Are you beautiful? Maybe you are talented. Some women just give and give and give. Why? Are they doing it to be love worthy, to be loved? Because this is what their mother did? What are you doing to make yourself worthy of love from someone else? Can anyone love you just because your spirit is so beautiful? Can you be loved just as you are without all the qualities that you identify with, just the bare bottom you, your naked soul? Are you relaxed enough to not feel that you have to do anything but be yourself to gain the love of someone you love?
How many love relations are built on hollow pillars? It might look good on paper or in photos, but on a deeper personal level it feels like something important is missing. Many times it seems, that people compensate in some way for feeling that they lack what is necessary to be truly loved. Its a feeling, or idea that is based deep in the subconscious and sometimes consciously as well. Its the old conundrum of not being able to have 100% self-love. People often glibly state, that you can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself. But how many people do you know that actually have 100% self-love? And don’t be fooled by those who come across as confident, serene, and happy because often this is just a front that has become habitual, a mask. It could be very well honed over time and fools almost everyone. My experience is that to find the “real thing” is actually quite rare, especially in individuals that come from the western culture, although its also quite prevalent in other cultures, it seems less in the alternative latin cultures. But this is a gross generalization and honestly, I am not really sure if its true, and as with any generalization there could be many exceptions.
However, the high incidence of divorce, the fact that so many relationships end up failing, is a very modern phenomenon and one must ask why? If one is going to enjoy romance, it seems that one must be prepared to pay the price; heartbreak. Or to ease the inevitable, don’t put your heart into it 100%, that is, fully because it will hurt that much worse. Of course, this kind of “protection” is a very poor strategy, as it pretty much insures failure because if one is holding back… its just not going to happen.
To return to the maxim, “you must love yourself to be able to love another”. I hate these simplistic memes that so many people believe without questioning, but in a way there is some truth to it because when one doesn’t feel “worthy of love” on some very deep level, the kind of love one often seems to have is a fake or superficial love, an ego love. Loving someone for all the wrong reasons, because she is so beautiful, because he is so talented, so wealthy and accomplished, so intelligent, etc. These are loveable qualities, but it is not the essence. It is the essence that needs to be loved, the beautiful spirit, the generous heart. Love is much more than physical attraction which may be the spark that ignites and sets the heart on fire, but lust and love are two different things that seem to overlap if they are not entirely separate. Physical attraction tends to fade with time, with ageing.
Most people in the west cannot love themselves 100% because of those things caught in their subconscious from childhood trauma and programming that just won’t go away. They stay with you throughout your whole life unless you find a way to remove their influence, which can be dauntingly difficult for most people. Perhaps you were victimized by the traumas of your parents and they hurt you when you were very young, innocent, extremely sensitive, and vulnerable, and the love you needed was lacking. It may have given you the impression that you lacked whatever you needed to be loveable at least to your parents. You may have consciously or unconsciously come to this conclusion and that idea got wedged permanently perhaps in your subconscious and when it is triggered by some outside event, it manifests and intrudes/ interferes in your life and your relationships. Now you may have anger and resentment towards your parents because of how they were treating you and that gets suppressed because you still and always wanted their love, but it stays in you as if it were a great sea of negativity, even hate, that is a part of your psyche, again in the subconscious.
The conscious is just the tip of the iceberg. Your behavior might be self-destructive, this is a passive-aggressive attack on your parents or it could be destructive to others. You are mean and cruel. Now, you know why. This might help to understand better serial killers and child molesters. I would imagine that in almost every case they suffered abuse as infants or children to a high degree. Those who feel self-righteous indignation and hate towards those who perpetuate crimes against the innocent is due more to their limited understanding of the dynamics involved and their understandable repulsion to such cruelty.
Understanding the unconscious may be the key to understanding aberrant, asocial behavior. We live in a superficial world. Capitalism or the commercialization of our lives is a materialistic understanding that is all about what is on the surface, what we see. It is not really an accurate assessment of what is really going on. Because it is the invisible that supports the visible, like an iceberg. It is very easy to live one’s entire life superficially without ever knowing it in today’s commercial environment. Have you ever noticed how just about everyone craves deep connection. Obviously, because it is lacking.
Real love, what everyone needs, is heart to heart, not ego to ego. Ego, being the idea we have of who we are which is not true. Ego is what we are conditioned with from the time we are babies and it is the sense of individuation and the realization that we are separate and the need do whatever is necessary to survive and be happy. But perhaps, it is a superficial understanding of who we really are. It is all those characteristics that make us loveable and worthy to others. But we might be much more than that, we might be an incredible mix that is truly miraculous and just like life itself, it is beyone our capacity to fully appreciate.
It is very likely that we give individuals far less credit than they deserve and at the same time sometimes, others far more credit than they might deserve, like a guru or a rockstar. In other words, it is almost impossible to assess the value of anyone accurately. But essentially we are the same distance from “God”, especially if the reality is that we are all, each one of us an aspect of the divine. People who are extremely kind, fair, generous hearted are also appreciated, loved for that and that might be more accurate except that some people might wish to appear as the above, kind, etc. but are being that way so that they are valued (ego), not coming from love, and in that sense are false. So, its easy to be fooled in this world in so many ways.
The best way to love yourself 100% in my opinion, is to know that you are not the ego, it is not your essence, but rather to recognize that you are love, the verb once all the veils of illusion are gone and that there is no “self” to love. You just need to cultivate your natural tendency to be love, and to make love the motivation behind your every act.